I’ve always thought that the true test of any device is the extent to which you can use that device to write fiction. There’s something even more perverse, and thus more worthy of note, about those items that were clearly never intended for the function. For instance, back in my high school days I had been gifted a TI-89 advanced graphing calculator. It was the top of the line (clearly superior to the old TI-82 that could easily be used by humans without advanced computer science degrees and a bit too reasonable for my uses). However, like all graphing calculators, it had 2 functions: 1) playing Drug Wars and 2) drawing things in ASCII. But in my boredom, inevitably sitting on a bench somewhere for this or that reason, I would end up writing fiction on the thing. Bear in mind there was none of that fancy hanging paragraph or double space nonsense that we take for granted now, but somehow that didn’t matter because I was stringing words together and solving boredom. And it was in that simple activity that I arrived at the conclusion that the test of any device lays in whether you can write anything meaningful on it.

It is with that in mind that I present a list of devices (both historical and contemporary) with a review of usefulness for writing in mind:

1. Dirt

Of course, technically, the stick that you use to write in the dirt is the actual device, but we have adapted to seeing both screen and mode of manipulation in one package these days, so I am reviewing them together. Dirt has the immediate advantage of having a cheap processing price. It can be difficult for others to read the completed work without trampling the next chapters as they go, but there is also an element of exercise that is not oft seen in the reading activity. These works are also susceptible to light breezes and random animals.

(Score: 3/10. Leave your sticks to the dogs.)

2. The Laptop/PC

Like a prize heavyweight fighter staged against an infant this almost seems an unfair entrant in the arena, but it does bear mention that the laptop has certain limitations. For instance, it cannot read your thoughts and turn them into pages (not yet at least). It does still (agonizingly) require that trifling user input. However, even the lowliest dell dinosaur can house a metric ton of writing and there is always the dramatic wonder of flipping open that lid open to find that thing you thought you wrote evaporate into thin air. The bottom line is that if you want to write, a computer of some sort is necessary at a certain point (if not at all points).

(Score: 9/10. Nothing is perfect.)

3. The Amazon Kindle

It is a dirty secret of mine that I often edit writing on Amazon’s somewhat limited half-tablet, half-e-reader device. What’s more I actually enjoy myself when doing so. It’s even more amusing to pass time in line at Disneyland while everyone else complains about the long wait times. Whether it’s the obtuse stares from ride operators or inquisitive children, there seems to be a general attitude that you create around yourself when you appear to be productive in the mouse kingdom. It might be self-delusion, but I also actually think the Kindle forces me to write like I’m reading the book I’m writing, which is likely a good thing. It is not without limitations: the keyboard takes up half the screen, the key presses have an annoying delay, and the autocorrect often turns the names of my characters into labels for bodily functions, but I still think it’s great.

(Score: 8/10. Sometimes you want to read and write at the same time.)

4. Typewriters

It’s impossible to say how much worse than paper and pen a typewriter can be without using a time machine or asking someone old enough to know. I actually did take a typewriting class in middle school, but realized halfway through that I was wasting my time. When you type on a type writer, you can’t really call it writing because there is nothing editable happening. It’s really just typing (as an aside there is a great Truman Capote quote that compares the difference between typing and writing). I’m sure it must have been a decent transcription tool, and it does somehow seem that humans were once able to churn out good pages on one of these devices, but, like the Model T, the world has moved past this device to point where I’m not even sure we can say you can really write on it.

(Score: 2/10. Don’t dust off your ribbons.)

5. Apple Iwatch

I think it’s actually called the “Apple Watch”, but I extract too much joy from ticking off Apple fan boys. At any rate, I think this device is technically capable of doing some things when tethered to an existing over-priced phone. There is no keyboard on the Iwatch. That statement alone should be damning, but there might be dictation (I’m too lazy to find out if this is the case). However, you can type out canned responses like “be home soon;” so, as it turns out you can write a modern novel with it, only with that minor caveat of having to make all dialogue like that of a Hemingway novel. I think the resounding answer as to whether you can truly write on the thing remains a resounding “no”.

(Score: 0/10. No contest.)

In Conclusion

So there you have it. Until some hacker comes along and cracks the Iwatch, it will never be able to produce the next great American novel. The good old word processor is still the way to go.