Incomplete Book Review: Red Sparrow

On a lark, I decided to read the Amazon preview of Red Sparrow by Jason Matthews.  First of all, I was not only completely disappointed in the fact that there were no red sparrows (nor sparrows of any shade for that matter) by the end of the preview, but I was also somewhat intrigued. SDR (Super Divey Refusnik[1]?) Nathaniel Nash is in Moscow and it is predictably cold.  In fact, if Moscow is ever described as even slightly warm in any novelization that touches upon it, it would only be stated in order to clue you in on the idea that you are really in an alternative universe Moscow.  Luckily, we get past the first page without a reference to Vodka.

By the end of the second page, we have so many acronyms that it is impossible to say what is actually happening (are the SVR at war with the FSB?  Maybe SDR Nathan is a part of the CIA, but is he a part of MARBLE’s fight against the KGB?  Maybe the FSB has always been at war with Eastasia).

Page 7 is not included in this preview, which is to say that page 7 is classified, but it is classified at such an utterly low level of classification that you need only shell out $8.99 for the Kindle version to access it.  There is, however, no knowing just what rights to privacy you cede in the act of downloading the full version.  In fact, it is entirely possible that the whole Kindle download is really just a communist plot to infiltrate your little black and white screen with advertisements for Lada Priora vehicles[2]…

Eventually things happen to the main character, Nate Nash.  He has an inexplicably clandestine meeting with someone named MARBLE and is afraid of some cars (perhaps nicely equipped Lada Prioras).  After a few meaningless chases, he is forced to order a beet soup for no good reason.  In the next chapter, we are introduced to Vanya Egorov, a KGB agent who takes orders directly from Putin.  It turns out this Vanya guy knows everything about Nate Nash already and wants to stop him from selling secrets or investigating Chechen drug deals or…something.  It’s not entirely clear, but does it need to be?  This Red Sparrow preview teaches the most venerable lesson that spy stories are best when you have no idea what is happening.

Finally, as a side note, this is one of those odd previews that really has something like 100 pages included via skipping 2-3 pages, that way, if you want to read it for free, you can, but you will likely find the circuitous plot to be even more cloudy (or maybe not).  However, my review will stop at the end of chapter 2 in order to ensure the integrity of this incomplete review process (if there is any at this point).

How it Would Have Ended if I’d Written It

Nate Nash is on the run from the FSBSDRSVRFKGB, which is now a combined super unit of acronymical[3] proportions.  The acronym society soon finds itself under the direct control of Putin himself, who decides to publicly behead Vanya for his incompetent search for Nate Nash.  Nate, for his part, has fled the country for the only logical place: Irvine, California, the safest place on the planet.  He buys a condo, settles down, and starts a dentistry practice in what almost seems like a Rockwell painting ending until his primal need for skullduggery rises to the surface.  After receiving a cryptic message from MARBLE, he heads back to the land of the Kremlin[4] in order to find out whether there were Chechen drug dealers after all.

He finds out that the entire network of Chechens is supported by exports of oxycontin to Florida, where they are handed out like candy on Halloween.  This was the real plot all along: reinforcing American stupidity by making prescription drugs readily available, all the while blaming the Chechens as the convenient fall-people.

Meanwhile, Putin has begun injecting a supreme blend of vodka directly via his veins, rendering him fabulous for shirtless photos.  In fact, Putin becomes so talented at looking good shirtless that he starts a second career posing for romance novel covers.  He dissolves the acronym society, renounces his spy days, and decides to start a plastic life living in an inch-for-inch recreation of the Kardashian mansion built on a prime stretch of Moscow hillsides.  Some question whether it is a façade, and, in the meantime, Vanya’s sons plot to kill Putin with the help of a now oxycotin-addicted Nate Nash.

In a stunning twist, their plot is completely crushed and they are all sent to spend the rest of their days in a Siberian gulag.

But Putin has by this point changed his ways completely, and has become obsessed with his new reality TV show that follows his pursuits into the Moscow night life, “Putin on Putin”.  During a memorable episode, one of his cadre members (Bodgan Smirnov) snubs him by failing to nod in his direction while walking into the Red Sparrow nightclub.  He should have been offended, but given that Putin had recently begun dating Bodgan’s ex-girlfriend, there was only a mild detente, composed entirely of awkward eyebrow ticks and whispers in the bathroom stalls while the camera crews try futilely to get in on the action.  Meanwhile, there is tension about who is taking which seat in the limo on the way back to the mansion for the after party.

In the end, Putin is forced to choose between following his true love and joining his cadre’s trip to Paris.  But, in a nod to the “The Lady, or the Tiger?”, we never know which of the two he chooses, and the reader is left forever unsatisfied.

[1] Go ahead, look up this word.  It is an actual word that is commonly used to increase one’s score in Scrabble, though the internet cannot seem to find its meaning anywhere.  Perhaps it has no meaning.  There is a very similar word “Refusenik” that actually refers to Jewish resistors in Soviet Russia.  The similarity to the actual plot of this preview is almost too similar to deny, and the fact that the author did not in fact have that meaning in mind can only be further proof that it must be true.

[2] This is a Russian car that is surprisingly competitive with its Japanese and American counterparts, and I’m sure these come standard with dash cams built in.  The latter is a popular option in Russia these days given all the corrupt law enforcement officials.

[3] This freshly made-up term is highly justified within the context of this review.  For instance, how else would you describe something that has acronym-like characteristics without using the utterly tasteless and culturally unsound attachment of “like.”  In fact, I think this very footnote establishes the case that “ical” should be attachable to any noun.  As a way of showing this point: spaceical, footballical, deathical, underwearical, shoeical.  It slots in very easily into the English language and makes so much sense that you really have to wonder how we’ve bumbled around without this word technology up to this point.

[4] A common misconception is that the Kremlin is a Tetris-inspired building with cool Aladdin-like spires, but actually the peach building that represents iconic Russia is actually St. Basil’s.